Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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