my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
