I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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