this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
