put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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