Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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