Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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