8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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