I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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