i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this just has baby written all over it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
