What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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