My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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