What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize