I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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