Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
