oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
