Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize