I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
