I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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