oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just threw up on my dentist
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
