I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
