Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
