You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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