I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
