cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
