life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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