Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
