my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
