Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
