I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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