Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
