She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
