i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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