then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
