ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
