Moan for me like Helen Keller
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
