Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize