I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
