I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
we should paint friendship bongs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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