Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
