How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
