If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
