Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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