Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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