I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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