His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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