I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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