So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize