he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
