I'm going to jail i love you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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