That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
