just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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