So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
