Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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