Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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