We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
