Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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