It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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