seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
