I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
