Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
