Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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