my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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