There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
