I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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