I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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