i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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